Confessions · Advice & Questions · Oct 19

I initiate goodbye hugs out of habit, then wish I hadn't

Confessions

I opened my arms at the door. My friend hugged me. On the walk home I was annoyed about being hugged, which is a remarkably unfair reaction to somebody accepting an invitation I'd just made.

I don't dislike this friend. Sometimes I want a hug; often I would rather wave. In groups I follow the goodbye routine automatically because pausing feels conspicuous. Then I privately complain that everyone expects physical affection.

Nobody in this group has ignored a request from me to stop. I haven't made one. I've mostly acted as though I'm delighted to continue the routine.

How do I change it without making a friend feel they've been crossing a line they didn't know existed? I want to be honest about today's preference rather than deliver a retrospective complaint about all the hugs I offered.

Discussion

2 community replies

@softfocus

A small change can happen at the next goodbye: keep your arms down and say, 'I'll wave today, lovely to see you.' You can communicate a present preference without making your friend guess from a stiff hug or an explanation delivered much later.

@JulesAfterDark

You noticed that the invitation came from you. That doesn't mean you must keep offering it, but it does matter to how you describe the past. An apology for privately blaming them isn't necessarily something they need to hear; a clearer goodbye is something they can respond to.

I initiate goodbye hugs out of habit, then wish I hadn't

Discussion

Join the discussion

More in Confessions

I ask my sister for updates my adult brother has stopped giving me

I tell our club organiser I support shorter meetings, then stay silent when she proposes them

I pretended to remember an old classmate, and now she's sharing memories I don't have

I kept the best ticket and acted as though the seats had been assigned at random