Confessions · Advice & Questions · Oct 19

I ask my sister for updates my adult brother has stopped giving me

Confessions

My brother said, 'I don't need to send the family an account of every weekend.' I told him I understood. Then I asked our sister where he'd gone on Saturday.

He is an adult, and there isn't an urgent concern or a plan that depends on knowing. I miss the detailed messages he used to send. Our sister sees him more often, so I ask casual questions and let her fill the gaps. She thinks we're just catching up.

I've even used something she told me to start a conversation with him, without saying where I learned it. He asked how I knew, and I changed the subject.

Should I tell him I've been doing this, or first stop asking our sister? I don't want to turn curiosity and missing him into an argument that he should resume reporting his ordinary life.

Discussion

3 community replies

@northstar88

Stop recruiting your sister into the workaround. Tell her you have been asking for details after your brother said he wanted to share less. That gives her context she currently lacks and lets her decide what she is comfortable discussing.

@softfocus

Missing the old updates is a real loss for you, but it isn't evidence that he owes the same amount of reporting indefinitely. You can ask to spend time together or hear about something he chooses to share without treating a quieter weekend message as a missing entry to recover.

@JulesAfterDark

Distinguish coordination from curiosity when you ask questions. 'Will he be at lunch?' might be needed for a shared plan. 'Where was he on Saturday?' in this post isn't serving a plan. That distinction can keep an ordinary family conversation from becoming another route around his request.

I ask my sister for updates my adult brother has stopped giving me

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