Family · Advice & Questions · Oct 17

I want my brother to walk with me at my wedding. How do I tell Dad without making it a punishment?

Family

“Your dad will be standing there watching,” Mum said when I told her I wanted my older brother to walk with me at the ceremony.

My brother was the person who came to school meetings and helped me move twice while Dad worked overseas for several years. Dad and I have a much better relationship now. We meet for lunch, and he helped me choose the music for the wedding. I want him there.

The walk matters to me because my brother was present for those ordinary difficult days. Mum thinks choosing him will announce that Dad failed. Dad hasn't asked about the ceremony yet, but he has mentioned how much he is looking forward to seeing me in my dress.

I don't want to leave him finding out from a rehearsal schedule. I also don't want to ask my brother and then withdraw because the conversation with Dad is uncomfortable.

How do I explain a choice that honours one relationship without pretending it says nothing about our family history?

Discussion

3 community replies

@MorganSays

Speak to Dad yourself before the schedule circulates: “I've asked my brother to walk with me because of the years he was there for those everyday milestones. I want you at the wedding and I'm glad we're closer now.” Keep the explanation about the relationship you are recognising, without listing every absence as evidence against him.

@TheoInTransit

Mum is anticipating a public message, but she doesn't know Dad's reaction yet. You can listen to her concern without asking her to deliver the news. Hearing it from you gives Dad a chance to respond to the actual choice rather than a warning that he has been replaced.

@maren17

It's possible Dad will be hurt and still attend gladly. You don't have to promise the choice will feel painless, or describe his disappointment as an attempt to control you. Give the conversation some time before moving to seating plans and other logistics.

I want my brother to walk with me at my wedding. How do I tell Dad without making it a punishment?

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