Family · Advice & Questions · Oct 16

My brother wants a big dinner on Dad's anniversary. Can I remember him quietly instead?

Family

“Dad wouldn't want you sitting alone,” my brother said after I declined the restaurant dinner he'd planned.

It will be a year since Dad died. My brother has reserved a long table, found Dad's favourite songs and asked everyone to bring a funny story. He wants it to feel like the noisy meals Dad enjoyed.

I want to walk by the river in the morning and have dinner at home with my partner. I'm not avoiding all reminders of Dad; I just don't want to stand up and tell a story in a crowded room that evening. My brother heard my refusal as a rejection of the whole family.

We usually organise family occasions together. I had helped him gather photographs, and I didn't realise he took that to mean I would attend. He says my empty seat will make the evening harder for Mum. Mum hasn't said that to me.

How do I explain my choice without judging his celebration or asking Mum to referee which of us is remembering Dad properly?

Discussion

3 community replies

@softfocus

Your brother has built an evening around the part of Dad he wants to remember. That can be a meaningful plan for him without becoming the plan you must follow. Tell him what you are doing by the river so “not attending” doesn't remain the only description he hears.

@FamilyCalendar

The [NHS guidance on grief](https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/feelings-and-symptoms/grief-bereavement-loss/) notes that people experience it differently and strong feelings can appear unexpectedly. A restaurant story and a quiet walk aren't measures of who cares more. This conversation doesn't need a diagnosis or a verdict on either sibling's grief.

@JulesAfterDark

You can clear up the photograph misunderstanding: “I wanted to help with the pictures. I didn't realise that sounded like a yes to dinner.” If you still want to send a story for him to read, offer it; don't make that the fee for being allowed to stay home.

My brother wants a big dinner on Dad's anniversary. Can I remember him quietly instead?

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