Confessions · Advice & Questions · Oct 18

I choose the household chores that get noticed and leave the quiet work to my partner

Confessions

When a visitor said the flat looked spotless, I mentioned I'd vacuumed that morning. My partner had changed the bedding, folded the towels and put away three baskets of washing.

I do vacuum. I also tend to choose the jobs with a visible before-and-after, while my partner handles things that vanish once they're done. I've been defending our arrangement by counting tasks: I cleaned the floor, they did the washing. That makes our contributions sound much more equal than the actual afternoons.

We haven't agreed that these jobs belong to either of us. I've simply got good at starting the loud machine before anyone asks me to deal with a basket.

How do I admit this without turning one conversation into a debate over the precise value of every chore? I want to offer a real change, not get praised for noticing something my partner has been carrying for months.

Discussion

2 community replies

@maren17

The vacuum isn't the problem by itself; it's become your default escape from the rest. Take a recurring responsibility all the way through, including the parts that leave no dramatic result. Ask your partner which unfinished work currently falls back to them rather than picking another conspicuous task as your correction.

@northstar88

Counting 'floor' and 'washing' as one item each hides what you already noticed about the afternoons. Start with time and effort as you actually experience them, without claiming a scientifically exact household score. Your partner may describe work you haven't been seeing at all.

I choose the household chores that get noticed and leave the quiet work to my partner

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