Confessions · Advice & Questions · Oct 20

I call myself spontaneous, but I invite friends late because I'm afraid they'll say no

Confessions

'Anyone free in twenty minutes?' I sent the message after thinking about the outing all week.

I tell friends I make plans on impulse. Sometimes that's true. Often I know exactly what I'd like to do and postpone asking until a refusal can be blamed on the timing. If nobody can come at short notice, I get to think they might have wanted to come on another day.

One friend said she wished I'd ask earlier because she would have joined. I said the idea had only just occurred to me. That lie protected a very small amount of pride and wasted a real chance to see her.

How do I start giving people time to answer without treating every no as a verdict on whether they like me? I can see that the uncertainty I've been avoiding has become the reason my invitations barely have a chance.

Discussion

2 community replies

@MorganSays

Try one honest invitation with an actual date far enough ahead for your friend to consider. You can say you've wanted to do the outing for a while. The practical change is giving someone a chance to arrange it, rather than waiting until the timing can answer for them.

@TheoInTransit

Your friend has already told you she wanted earlier notice. Correcting the explanation could be small: 'I'd been thinking about it, but I put off asking. I'll give you more notice next time.' That responds to what she asked without requiring her to reassure you about the whole friendship.

I call myself spontaneous, but I invite friends late because I'm afraid they'll say no

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