Confessions · Advice & Questions · Oct 17

I miss being essential to my friend, and I keep making digs about her new friends

Confessions

'You can stop calling them my replacement friends,' she said. I'd used the phrase as a joke three times.

When she first moved here, I was the person she called for nearly everything: company, directions, someone to help carry a shelf. I sometimes complained about being her whole social life. Now she has a regular games group and people she can ask without checking whether I'm free.

This is what I wanted for her. It also means I'm no longer automatically involved in her ordinary decisions. When she told me a new friend had helped choose a desk, I said, 'Well, apparently my furniture opinions have been retired.' She didn't laugh.

I need to stop the remarks. Should I tell her I miss feeling needed, or would that make her responsible for giving me a role I was complaining about six months ago? I want our friendship to survive becoming more optional.

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2 community replies

@northstar88

The desk remark turns a good thing for her into something she must defend to you. You can apologize for that exact pattern without asking her to reassure you that the other friends are inferior. She shouldn't have to rank people every time she tells you about an ordinary afternoon.

@softfocus

'More optional' can also mean choosing each other because you enjoy the friendship, rather than because you're the only available person. That possibility may feel less secure at first, but it gives you something worth discovering beyond directions and carrying shelves.

I miss being essential to my friend, and I keep making digs about her new friends

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