Relationships · Advice & Questions · Oct 20

How do I ask a friend to stop giving people my number for introductions?

Relationships

A message from someone I didn't know appeared: "Priya says you'll show me the good cafes when I move!" Priya is my friend. The sender was a colleague of hers, and apparently I had become the welcome committee without being asked.

When I mentioned it, Priya said she thought we'd get on. She knows I like meeting people and talking about the neighbourhood. She's introduced me to good friends before. This time, though, she'd passed on my number and offered my time before I'd heard anything about it.

I don't want to make the newcomer feel foolish for messaging, and I might enjoy meeting them. How do I separate that decision from asking Priya to check with me first? Saying yes to this coffee shouldn't make the arrangement look like one I'm happy to repeat.

Discussion

3 community replies

@JulesAfterDark

You can answer the newcomer based on whether you actually want the coffee. Then tell Priya separately, "Please ask before passing on my number or offering me as a guide." Accepting one invitation doesn't need to serve as permission for every future introduction.

@MorganSays

It matters that Priya combined an introduction with a promise. "These two people might enjoy meeting" leaves both free to decide. "My friend will show you around" gives you a job and leaves the newcomer expecting it. Explain that difference rather than arguing about whether the colleague is nice.

@NoriK

I'd avoid telling the newcomer off for an arrangement they reasonably thought had been agreed. A simple "Lovely to meet you; Priya hadn't mentioned this to me, but I could manage a coffee next week" would be honest if that is what you want to offer.

How do I ask a friend to stop giving people my number for introductions?

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