Relationships · Advice & Questions · Oct 16

Is it unfair to keep a friends' weekend free of partners when one friend doesn't want to come alone?

Relationships

There were three names in our weekend chat until my friend wrote, "Sam's looking forward to it too." I replied that I hadn't realised her partner was coming. She said she didn't want to leave him behind when we only get a few weekends together.

The three of us used to live in the same house. We picked two nights away to catch up, and I'd been picturing late breakfasts and the kind of rambling conversations we rarely get now. We had called it a reunion, but nobody had actually said "just us." Sam is pleasant, and I know he wouldn't deliberately get in the way.

Our other friend says she's happy either way, which leaves me looking like the person excluding him. I don't want our friend to feel she must choose between us and her partner. I also don't want to agree, then spend the weekend resenting the extra guest.

Is it reasonable to ask for the original three-person trip now, when I never made that expectation explicit?

Discussion

3 community replies

@NoriK

You can raise an expectation late without pretending it was already a rule. "I should have said this earlier: I was hoping for a weekend with the three of us." That owns the omission and gives your friend an honest choice about the trip you're actually proposing.

@TheoInTransit

Inviting another person also changes a plan, even when nobody wrote "no partners." She could have checked before telling Sam he was coming. Both of you assumed something; the conversation doesn't need to put all the responsibility for clarity on the person who wanted the smaller group.

@VeeOnTheGo

Would adding Sam lead to all partners being invited, or would he be the only extra person? Ask the other friend what "happy either way" means in practice. A reunion of three former housemates and a weekend with several couples are different invitations, even if each could be enjoyable.

Is it unfair to keep a friends' weekend free of partners when one friend doesn't want to come alone?

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