Relationships · Advice & Questions · Oct 17

Can I mute our group chat without expecting friends to send me separate invitations?

Relationships

I found out about brunch when a friend sent a photo of everyone at the table. The plan had been made in our group chat during a long exchange about television. I'd muted the chat the previous week because I kept picking up my phone during work.

I said I wished someone had told me. My friend replied, "We did tell you. You just weren't reading it." She was right. Nobody had deliberately left me out, and I hadn't told them I'd stopped checking.

The chat is how this group stays close. Some friends enjoy talking there throughout the day. I like them, but I don't want to follow every conversation to find the occasional plan. Asking for a separate message every time might make someone else responsible for keeping me involved.

Is there a reasonable middle ground, or do I have to accept that reading less means missing some things? I want to participate without asking the whole group to chat differently just for me.

Discussion

3 community replies

@lucy_m

I'd begin by taking back the implication that nobody told you. "I missed the plan because I wasn't reading; I'm sorry I made that sound like you left me out." That clears up the brunch before you ask the group to consider any different arrangement.

@maren17

A separate message with the final plan is a modest request if whoever is organising is willing. You can suggest it rather than assign it: "Would a clear date-and-time message help anyone else too?" If nobody wants to add that step, you would need another way of checking for plans.

@northstar88

Would one deliberate look at the chat each evening fit better than responding throughout the day? It could be an experiment you manage yourself. Some spontaneous plans might still pass you by, but you wouldn't have to choose between constant attention and never opening the conversation.

Can I mute our group chat without expecting friends to send me separate invitations?

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