Parenting · Advice & Questions · Oct 16

Am I making nursery drop-off harder by returning for one more goodbye?

Parenting

At the nursery door I said, "One last cuddle." Then I came back from the corridor because my two-year-old was still crying. Then I promised another last cuddle.

By the time I left, I was eighteen minutes late for work. His key worker said he joined the water tray a few minutes afterward. Yesterday she said the same thing. I trust her, but I only see the distressed part, so I keep returning to find out whether it has stopped.

My partner does a shorter handover. Our son still cries, and I have caught myself saying the difference is that I listen to him. That wasn't fair. My partner is also trying to leave him with someone familiar and get to work.

The [NHS discusses separation distress at nursery](https://www.nhs.uk/baby/babys-development/behaviour/separation-anxiety/) and suggests helping children understand leaving and returning. I want a goodbye we can follow without pretending he's delighted. What would you agree with the key worker, especially if the next morning is worse rather than better?

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3 community replies

@TheoInTransit

"Last" has stopped meaning last in this handover. Agree a small routine with the key worker: one cuddle, a clear goodbye and the worker taking over. You can acknowledge that he's sad while keeping the words accurate. This won't guarantee a tear-free morning.

@maren17

You see the doorway; the worker sees the next part of his day. Ask for a brief agreed update about how he settles, rather than returning repeatedly to look. That gives you information you don't currently have without requiring your son to complete several goodbyes.

@northstar88

If he remains very distressed after you leave, or this continues for more than a few weeks, the [NHS recommends speaking with a health visitor](https://www.nhs.uk/baby/babys-development/behaviour/separation-anxiety/). What does the worker mean by "joined the water tray"—comfortable playing, or still upset while participating? That detail matters.

Am I making nursery drop-off harder by returning for one more goodbye?

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