We had a respectful breakup, but our friends keep inviting us together as if kindness means we are ready to be friends

My ex and I broke up seven weeks ago after five years together. Nobody cheated. Nobody threw a plate. We cried, divided the books and agreed that loving each other had not solved the fact that we wanted different futures.

Because the breakup was respectful, our friends have decided it should also be convenient.

We share a group that formed before we started dating. There are birthdays, game nights and a standing Sunday coffee. At first everyone checked which of us was attending. Now invitations arrive in the group chat with both our names, followed by messages like, ‘You two are mature, so this shouldn’t be weird.’

It is weird.

At a friend’s birthday two weeks ago, my ex and I spent three hours being praised for handling the breakup so well. People seated us beside each other because we ‘still get along.’ When I went outside for air, somebody asked whether the breakup might be temporary.

My ex looked fine. I was not.

Afterward, I told the group I needed a few months without joint events. One friend said alternating invitations would force everyone to choose sides. Another suggested that whoever feels uncomfortable can skip. That sounds neutral, but it means the person asking for space loses every gathering while the group continues unchanged.

My ex messaged me privately to say she does not want to be excluded and thinks avoiding each other will make the eventual reunion of the group more dramatic. She proposed that we keep attending but agree not to arrive together, sit together or discuss the breakup.

I understand the logic. I also know I spent her entire birthday-party conversation noticing whether she laughed more freely without me. I watched who she talked to and hated myself for it. Being civil is not the same as being ready.

The friendship group matters to both of us. I do not want a custody schedule for human beings or a competition over who gets the annual barbecue. I also do not want ‘no villain’ to become a rule that neither person is allowed to grieve inconveniently.

I suggested alternating the next four smaller events, while major birthdays remain open to both with advance warning. My ex said that treats the breakup like a disciplinary arrangement. A friend said the group should not have to administer our emotions.

Maybe they are right. But the current approach still administers our emotions; it simply requires them to be pleasant enough for everyone else.

What is a fair way for shared friends to handle the first few months after an amicable breakup? Should the uncomfortable person step back, or does real neutrality sometimes require the group to change its routine temporarily?