Our teammate apologizes after every mistake, and now the whole game stops to reassure him

Our coed volleyball team has a player who says sorry before the ball has finished bouncing.

If he serves into the net, he apologizes to all six people. If a pass glances off his arms, he says he is ruining the game. Last week he missed a block, walked toward the bench during the rally, and kept saying “my fault” while the rest of us tried to finish the point.

Nobody was angry at first. We told him mistakes were normal and reminded him that this is a Wednesday-night recreation league. The reassurance seemed to help for thirty seconds. Then the next error produced another apology, which produced another circle of teammates telling him he belonged.

The pattern now changes how everyone plays. People avoid setting him in close points because they do not want the emotional aftermath of a missed attack. Our captain softens ordinary feedback until it becomes useless. When somebody else makes an error, we move on; when he does, the match briefly becomes a meeting about his worth as a person.

I do not think he is manipulating us deliberately. He looks genuinely miserable. He joined after years away from team sports and has mentioned that a former coach used to bench players for single mistakes. Knowing that history makes me want to be patient. It does not make the current pattern sustainable.

After our last loss, he sent a long group message apologizing for “costing everyone the night.” We had lost by two sets, with errors spread across the entire roster. Three people reassured him immediately. One teammate left the chat until morning because she said she could not do another postgame therapy session.

The captain wants to speak with him privately. She is unsure how to say “please stop apologizing” without sounding like she is banning anxiety or telling him to hide distress. I think the conversation should focus on behavior: one quick acknowledgment, then the next point. We can still support him without conducting a referendum on whether he deserves to play.

What is a kind boundary here? Should the captain name the burden on the team, give him a replacement phrase such as “next ball,” or ask whether this league is currently making him more unhappy than happy? At what point does constant self-criticism stop being private insecurity and become something teammates are allowed to address?