My parents use me as the translator for every argument, and my sister says staying neutral is choosing their marriage over myself

My parents have been married for thirty-eight years and communicate through me as if direct speech were a premium service.

My mother calls to explain why my father is upset. My father texts to ask what my mother “really meant.” If one of them leaves the house after an argument, the other asks whether I know where they went.

I am thirty-four and live twenty minutes away. This has been happening since I was a teenager.

I used to think I was good at helping. I can translate my father’s silence into fear and my mother’s sharp questions into requests for reassurance. After I speak to both of them, they often calm down.

The peace never lasts.

Last week, they argued about whether to lend money to a relative. My mother sent me screenshots. My father called during my workday and asked me to tell her he was not accusing her family of being irresponsible. I spent an hour drafting versions of a sentence he could have sent himself.

That evening, my sister told me to stop answering.

She moved farther away years ago and refuses to discuss their conflicts. My parents call her cold. She says I make it possible for them to avoid changing because I absorb every uncomfortable message.

I told her they might make worse decisions if nobody helps. She asked why their marriage has become my emergency to prevent.

I do not have a good answer.

When I tried setting a boundary, my mother cried and said she had nobody else who understood both of them. My father said he was not asking me to fix anything, only to provide context. Within ten minutes, I was providing context again.

The hardest part is that they are not cruel people. They supported me through illness, education and a difficult breakup. Refusing a call feels less like healthy distance and more like abandoning two people who have always shown up for me.

But I am beginning to resent ordinary contact. When my father’s name appears on my phone, I prepare to receive a case. When my mother asks how I am, I wait for the conversation to turn.

My sister wants me to say, ‘I love you, and I will not carry messages or interpret the other person.’ She says I should repeat it and end the call if they continue.

That sounds simple. It also sounds brutal after twenty years of training them to expect access.

How do you leave the translator role without punishing parents who have relied on it for decades? Is a firm refusal the only boundary that works, or is there a gradual way to step out without becoming one more source of conflict between them?