My mother forwards our private voice notes to the family group chat

I found out my mother had been forwarding my voice notes because my cousin replied to one.

I had sent Mum a two-minute message after a rough day at work. Nothing dramatic: I was tired, annoyed with myself, and wondering whether I had handled a conversation badly. I send voice notes because she likes hearing my voice and because talking is easier than turning every feeling into a polished paragraph. She responded kindly. I thought that was the end of it.

An hour later my cousin texted, ‘For what it’s worth, I don’t think you sounded rude.’

I asked what she meant. She sent a screenshot from our extended-family group chat. Mum had forwarded my entire note with the caption, ‘She is having a hard week. Send her some love.’ There are twenty-three people in that chat, including two aunts I see once a year and a cousin’s husband I have met three times.

When I called Mum, she genuinely did not understand why I was upset. She said she had not criticized me or shared anything shameful. In her mind, she was building a support circle. She also reminded me that when my uncle was recovering from surgery, everyone appreciated updates. I said an update about a relative who agreed to be updated is different from distributing somebody else’s unguarded voice.

Then she told me this was not the first time. She had forwarded a funny note I sent about burning dinner and another one in which I was excited about a possible move. She said those had made people feel close to me. The move never happened, which explains several strange questions I received at Thanksgiving.

I asked her not to forward anything from me again. She agreed, but then said, ‘You may need to tell me when something is private, because I can’t always guess.’ That answer has stuck with me. To me, a message sent to one person is private by default. To her, family news seems communal unless marked confidential.

I have stopped sending voice notes. Now she keeps asking why I sound formal in texts. I miss the easy version of our conversations, but I do not trust that a tender or unfinished thought will stay between us.

Do I make a bright-line rule that none of my messages may be shared without asking, even harmless ones? And if she says yes, how do I rebuild trust without testing her with information I cannot afford to have circulated?