My brother says our childhood was happy and treats my memories like an accusation

My brother and I grew up in the same house two years apart. If you heard us describe it, you might think we were raised by different families.

He remembers long summer evenings, our father coaching baseball and our mother making pancakes on Saturdays. I remember monitoring Dad’s mood before asking for anything, Mum crying in the laundry room and the way everyone went quiet when a car pulled into the driveway.

Both sets of memories are real. That is what I keep trying to say.

The argument started while we were helping our parents prepare for their fortieth anniversary party. My brother suggested a slideshow about our ‘chaotic but happy childhood.’ I said I did not want to narrate those years that way. He asked what I meant, so I gave two examples. His face changed as though I had accused our parents of a crime.

He said every family has hard moments and that therapy language has taught people to turn normal childhood into trauma. I had not used the word trauma. I said Dad’s temper affected me and that I learned to make myself small around it. My brother replied, ‘He never made me feel that way.’

I believe him. Dad was easier with him. My brother also pushed back where I retreated. Personality, timing and birth order shaped what each of us received. Saying our experiences were different should not require deciding which child is a reliable witness.

Since then, my brother has warned our sister that I am planning to ‘rewrite the family’ at the anniversary party. I am not. I agreed to contribute photographs and will not confront our parents during a celebration. I simply do not want my voice attached to a polished story that makes me disappear inside it.

Our mother says she hopes we can focus on good memories for one night. I can do that. What I cannot do is agree that choosing good memories for a slideshow proves the rest were false.

How do adult siblings talk about different childhoods without turning memory into a courtroom? Is there language that lets me protect my account without demanding that my brother surrender his?