My best friend only calls when her new relationship is in trouble, and I am tired of being the emergency version of a friend

My best friend and I used to talk almost every day. Not always about anything important. She would send me a photo of a terrible parking job. I would call while walking home. We had the kind of friendship built from a thousand unnecessary updates.

Eight months ago, she started dating someone seriously. I expected the rhythm to change. New relationships are absorbing, and I was genuinely happy for her.

What I did not expect was to disappear until they fought.

She has canceled four plans with me since January, usually because he suddenly became free or invited her somewhere. She rarely answers our old group chat. But when they argue, she calls immediately. The calls last an hour or more. I listen while she reads messages aloud, help her decide what to say and stay awake until she feels calm.

Then they make up, and I do not hear from her for ten days.

Two weeks ago, she called crying because he had gone to a party without her. I was supposed to leave for a concert, but I sat in my car and talked to her for forty minutes. She promised we would get breakfast that weekend. On Saturday morning, she texted that she was exhausted and needed to cancel. That afternoon, she posted photos from a brewery with him.

I did not respond to the post. The next time she called after an argument, I let it go to voicemail.

She texted, ‘Are you mad at me?’ I wrote back that I care about her, but I cannot keep being the person she reaches for only when her relationship hurts. She said that was unfair because the bad moments are when she needs a best friend most. She also said I have seemed negative about her boyfriend from the beginning.

I do not think I am negative about him. I am negative about being treated like emotional roadside assistance. He gets the dates, weekends and repaired version of her. I get the midnight crash.

At the same time, I know friendship is not a points system. There have been years when she carried more of me. If her relationship is becoming unhealthy, withdrawing because I feel neglected could isolate her further. I also worry that my resentment has made every canceled breakfast feel like evidence in a case I am building.

She wants to meet tomorrow and ‘clear the air.’ I want to tell her that I miss our actual friendship, not only ask for fewer crisis calls. But I do not know what a fair request looks like. A standing monthly dinner sounds pathetic if she has to schedule caring about me. Saying ‘call me when things are good’ sounds like another test.

How do you ask for reciprocity without turning a long friendship into an invoice? And is it reasonable to stop taking emergency calls until she shows up for ordinary life again?